101 Signs You Might Be a Hopeless Old-School Baseball Card Collector

(Like some cardboard with your #FridayFeeling? Read the whole series of related posts here.)

There has been a resurgence of the baseball card hobby in recent years, and the evidence is all around us in the form of hobby blogs, Twitter chatter, and a growing smattering of local card shows.

And, if you’ve hung around these (gummy) dusty corners of the web much, you may have noticed that a lot of us who are embracing the hobby with new vigor are the same ones who helped the thing boom in the first place more than 30 years ago.

So, are you one of the old-timers who never really was able to break the hobby’s hold?

Let’s find out …

Here are 101 signs that you may, indeed, be a hopeless old-school baseball card collector:

1. You have a ball of rubber-banded wax wrappers tucked away … just in case.
2. You carry your driver’s license in a top-loader.
3. You save shoe boxes because … well, because that’s where baseball cards live.
4. You have dreams about skiing on white card-gum dust.
5. You have nightmares about wax-stained Buddy Biancalana rookie cards.
6. You own a Buddy Biancalana rookie card.
7. You know who Buddy Biancalana is.
8. You know what “C. Nettles” means.
9. You giggle whenever someone mentions Billy Ripken.
10. Sewing room, my a**! Once they leave home, the kids’ rooms are for baseball cards. Why do think you had them in the first place?
11. You buy extra-long bed linens because you love uncut sheets.
12. You shy away from black outfits and shoes because you’re afraid the borders will chip.
13. You don’t really trust any movie that doesn’t show at least one baseball card.
14. You don’t trust anyone who doesn’t know who Buddy Biancalana is.
15. You know that “baseball ephemera” is an oxymoron.
16. You can calculate your own d*** OPS and SLG — in your head — if you have to.
17. You know that “junk wax” is mythical. It’s all good.
18. You’ve done the math — you only need 75 more vending cases to hit the 1-million card mark.
19. White printer paper thrills you because it’s missing the black ink.
20. Your vanity plate is “NNOF.”
21. Your vanity plate is “SASE.”
22. Your vanity plate is “GEM MT.”
23. You’re afraid to post your cards on Pinterest because you don’t want to put Pin holes in them.
24. You still drive down to the Holiday Inn every other Sunday hoping that a card show will break out.
25. You think baseball cards should get credit for inventing Mylar.
26. You know that Mylar belongs nowhere near baseball cards.
27. You think baseball cards should get credit for inventing real holograms.
28. You like your cards without holograms.
29. You’re still upset about the 1978 Topps Greg Minton card.
30. You’re still update about the 1978 Topps Mike Paxton card.
31. You know that Topps predicted — and named — the Washington Nationals back in 1974.
32. You want SSPC to come back.
33. Publicly, you denounce Broder’s because they’re unlicensed, but you love them when you’re alone with your thoughts.
34. You love the Star Wars franchise partly because they have their own “baseball cards.”
35. You would eat anything — anything — if it came with baseball cards.
36. You remember the Constant Rater.
37. You remember Pepper Hastings.
38. You know that box-bottom scuffs don’t count as damage.
39. You sort through 1988 Topps commons like you’re holding delicate Fabergé eggs.
40. If you could live in a literal house of cards … you would.
41. You know that, sometimes, “The 19-year-old righthanded curveballer is just 18 years old!”.
42. You know that Carton and Fisk are also Steve and Carlton.
43. You stand exactly in middle of  your bathroom vanity to look in the mirror each morning because you don’t want to start the day off-center.
44. As you age, you don’t get wrinkled … you just develop surface creases.
45. Your children don’t have birth certificates … they have certificates of authenticity.
46. You take offense when someone tells you that your work is “very good” or “excellent.”
47. You misunderstood your wife when she said she wanted a “gem” for Christmas.
48. Every time you see a piece of wood, you think, “Managers’ Dream.”
49. You know what floating heads are — and you love them.
50. Every so often, your really wish you could TBTC.
51. You still wonder what the heck happened to Mitchell Page … and Al Cowens … and Jerome Walton … and Kevin Maas … and Jason Thompson … and Bob Horner.
52. You remember Bump Wills as a Texas Blue Jay. Or a Toronto Ranger.
53. In your spare time, when you’re alone, you still try to beat Kurt Bevacqua‘s record.
54. You suspect that Don Stanhouse and Bob (from Bob and Tom) were separated at birth.
55. You love orange slabs of bubble gum.
56. You love rough-hewn off-white cardboard — it always makes you think of orange slabs of bubble gum.
57. You would chew orange slabs of bubble gum even if they were 40 years old.
58. You know that real cards come with bubble gum … or at least cookies.
59. You consider a cello to be a vehicle for viewing Vern Ruhl in his natural habitat rather than a musical instrument.
60. You dread finding a rack pack with broken dividers.
61. You keep empty Kraft Macaroni and Cheese boxes around because they have Johnny Ray and Steve Sax on them.
62. You know that Lou Piniella appeared on a rookie card for, like, 15 years in a row.
63. Fuzzy corners make you warm and (yes) fuzzy.
64. You have a wallet card.
65. You use baseball cards as bookmarks.
66. When your time comes, you’re seriously considering a Lucite slab.
67. You know what Fun Foods buttons are.
68. You wish you’d had a dog in the 1950s, because Red Heart.
69. You know 1951 Topps baseball cards aren’t really baseball cards … but you covet them anyway.
70. Corrugated cardboard make you want to sort.
71. Give you a full monster box and a card table, and you’re good for the weekend.
72. In your dreams, your salary is paid in cardboard.
73. In your nightmares, Topps never decided to make that first card.
74. There is no room for a Milwaukee-Brewers-clad Hank Aaron in your collection … except it’s Hank Aaron, and it’s 1976 Topps, so …
75. There is no room for a New-York-Mets-clad Willie Mays in your collection … except it’s Willie Mays, and it’s 1973 Topps, so …
76. 1976 Topps Traded Oscar Gamble.
77. Even though those damn Yankees/Reds/A’s/Pirates/Dodgers beat your Giants/Red Sox/Reds/Orioles/Yankees in 1962/1975/1972/1971/1963, those World Series cards the next year sure were fun!
78. When your wife asks you to do something at home, you ask her which cards she’s willing to give you in return.
79. Pulling back that first flap on a wax pack still takes your breath away.
80. You like doubles — hey, you can always trade them!
81. You have fond memories of Riverfront Stadium or Veterans Stadium or the Metrodome or Shea Stadium or …
82. You’re still holding onto 100 Kurt Stillwell rookie cards.
83. You’d rather go to The National than to an NFL game.
84. Your favorite toys were all made out of cardboard.
85. You’re still sore because Topps raised their prices to 35 cents a pack in 1985.
86. You don’t get Sportflics … but you bought them anyway.
87. You don’t get excited by Score … but you bought them anyway.
88. You begrudgingly admit that Upper Deck cards were gorgeous … but you couldn’t afford them, so you didn’t buy them.
89. You can afford Upper Deck now but are not convinced you want to buy them. You have your pride, after all.
90. The whole crop of “new” cards — you know, anything issued after about 1993 — is just so complicated!
91. You once thought you’d buy something very cool with the profits from your baseball cards.
92. You once thought you might make a living selling baseball cards.
93. You can’t imagine a future without baseball cards.
94. You reckon you’d be a different person without baseball cards in your past.
95. You know why “Ted Signs for 1959” is important.
96. You remember that time you sold a Nolan Ryan rookie card for $5.
97. You remember that time you sold a Kevin McReynolds rookie card for $10.
98. You remember that time you traded all your cards for a Darryl Strawberry rookie card.
99. You remember that time you chose baseball cards over a girl.
100. You remember the first time you chose a girl over baseball cards … and wish you could go back and change it.
101. You remember the times you spent with your dad and your baseball cards … and you wish you could go back and not change a thing.

(Like some cardboard with your #FridayFeeling? Read the whole series of related posts here.)